I think we all have those “ah ha” moments. Sometimes they suck, sometimes they are beautiful, and sometimes…. they are a mixture of both. I don’t know what my “ah ha” moment qualifies for. Probably the bit of both.
It suddenly came to me today that I settle for less with men… because I don’t think I am worth more. I see myself as damaged goods. As not good enough for the type of guy I want. Because what do I have to offer? Sure I may be beautiful… but my panic attacks, crying spells, triggers, and promiscuity outweigh my outward appearance. I feel like all I have to offer… is my outward appearance. And that will fade. So I settle for less. Again, and again, because I do not think I am worth more than that.I think that I was worth more… and then Juan happened. And though I know in my head that ultimately it was his fault for raping me, I still feel to blame. I feel to blame for going in his room. I feel to blame for dating him. I feel to blame for not being over it, for still dealing with triggers and I feel to blame… for feeling to blame. Never ending cycle.
Now I suppose realizing I think this way is a small step in the right direction. A small bit of proof that counseling is working. I have to change the way I think. I don’t know how exactly to do that at the moment, besides just saying the things I know God says about me. Because he thinks I am worth it. He thinks I am new. And something that is new… has never been used. He thinks my heart if beautiful, not just my outward appearance. And the thing is… if I don’t settle for less… God will give me so much more. The man he God has for me… I wont be too much for him. My scars will not be too much to handle. He will not feel cheated.
I may not feel I am… But I am worth more.
I am worth more.